Most parents spend a lot of time thinking about communication strategies, discipline methods, boundaries, and routines.
But what if our children are experiencing something even more influential than our parenting techniques?
In this episode, I explore how the relationship we have with ourselves shapes the way we relate to our children, often without us realizing it. We unpack where distorted perceptions come from, why so many parents struggle with guilt, frustration, and unrealistic expectations, and how our unexamined beliefs can unintentionally be projected onto the people we love most.
We’ll also explore why Jesus emphasized childlike faith, what the Pharisees reveal about the dangers of rigid thinking, and why humility and teachability are essential for both spiritual growth and healthy parenting.
Because the goal isn’t to become a perfect parent.
It’s to become a more self-aware, truth-seeking, and teachable one.
And that begins by examining the relationship that underpins every other interaction: the relationship we have with ourselves.
In This Episode We Cover:
00:00 – The Thing No Parent Wants to Hear
Your children are experiencing more than your parenting techniques, they’re experiencing your relationship with yourself.
03:10 – Children Experience More Than Parenting Methods
Why kids absorb far more than our rules, routines, and discipline strategies.
05:34 – We Project Our Relationship With Ourselves Onto Our Children
How self-criticism, perfectionism, and unmet expectations become relational patterns.
06:16 – Distortions Aren’t the Problem
Why every parent has blind spots, and why awareness, not condemnation, is the goal.
07:08 – Where Distorted Perceptions Come From
The two factors shaping our self-perception: inherited standards and lived priorities.
10:50 – A Parenting Example of Hidden Friction
How conflicting priorities and expectations create unnecessary frustration and self-judgment.
11:52 – What Is a Distortion?
Defining distortion, moralization, and why defended interpretations become generational patterns.
12:58 – What Children Actually Need
Why humility, correction, repair, and truthfulness matter more than perfection.
13:53 – Childlike Faith vs. Pharisee Thinking
What Jesus’ teaching reveals about teachability, humility, and the danger of rigid perception.
15:23 – Three Everyday Parenting Scenarios
The broken glass, the poor grade, and the emotional meltdown, and what each reveals about perception.
18:04 – Why This Matters Spiritually
How our relationship with ourselves becomes a relational inheritance and shapes how we love others.
20:34 – How to Begin Correcting Distortions
Practical self-examination questions to uncover the assumptions driving your reactions.
21:26 – The Core Priorities Snapshot
Using lived evidence to identify distortions and better understand yourself.
21:42 – The Goal Isn’t Perfection
Why one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is modeling what it looks like to remain teachable.
Resources Referenced in This Episode
If you’d like to gain clarity on the core priorities that are already shaping your life and parenting, then the FREE Core Priorities Snapshot is the best place to start.
Full Transcript
OK - here’s the thing no parent wants to hear:
Your children aren’t just experiencing all of those parenting techniques you’re trying to be consistent with day after day as you try to raise good human beings...
They’re actually experiencing something much more powerful that underpins everything you do…
Your relationship with yourself.
Because long before our children adopt our rules and routines, they experience the way we relate to ourselves,
And nothing exposes our relationship with ourselves faster than parenting!
And the truth is - whether we realize it or not, kids feel the energy we bring to every interaction - long before we verbalize anything,
And that energy is louder than any of the words we say, even when we’re yelling…
So it’s something we need to have in check if we want to get our message across, so you know - no pressure!
But don’t worry - if you’re listening to, or reading this, that’s proof that you’re invested in becoming the best version of yourself for the children you’ve been entrusted with,
And you’re in the right place, because here we address the root of what’s actually driving your behavior vs just the behavior itself - which is actually a symptom, but also a powerful indicator, of something deeper - your perception.
So that’s what we’re going to dig into today.
And even if you aren’t a parent, stay with me,
Because the principles we’ll discuss apply to anyone responsible for influencing, guiding, teaching, or caring for others - regardless of age.
Hello, and welcome to Powered by PURPOSE - I’m Melody Lacey, and I help people clear the distorted perceptions that keep us from being able to see, and treat, ourselves, and others, the way God asks us to - and that includes our kids,
Because the struggle is real…
Most of us are struggling, to some degree, with a tension that’s keeping us emotionally reactive, and disconnected, from how He’s called us to steward our influence over the people He’s placed in our care,
So we’re going to take a God (and others) focused approach to self-discovery and personal growth - to unpack the real root cause behind the friction all parents feel in our dynamic with our kids,
And we’ll do this by examining how our beliefs shape our perception of reality,
Which, as you’ll see, requires some humility to examine the evidence our life is already revealing, and what’s actually driving our behavior.
Which is the first step in renewing our thinking with God’s truth, so that we can start seeing things more clearly,
Because when you understand yourself more clearly, then you’ll be able to understand your kids much better as well… and then parenting becomes the joy it’s intended to be, instead of a source of frustration.
Because the reality is - renewed minds require MORE than just good intention,
And God has given us the template and tools to grow closer to being the kind of parent He is to us.
So let’s get to it…
In the last episode we explored the one relationship that shapes all others, and
As I already mentioned, today we’re going to apply that idea to one of the most important roles many of us will ever have:
Parenting.
Children Experience More Than Our Parenting Methods
The reality is kids experience our expression of love in a multitude of ways - through our patience, our frustration, the grace we extend to them, and of course our met, and unmet, expectations, which usually leads to our praise and criticism.
So most parenting conversations you find tend to focus on behavior and approach - you know, things like:
Effective communication
Setting boundaries and establishing routines
Discipline methods
Natural and imposed consequences - both ‘good’ and ‘bad’
And all of those things absolutely matter…
But children don’t just experience our attempt at executing our parenting techniques,
They experience us - as people.
And like I mentioned earlier, they experience the energy in the emotional environments we create with every interaction,
And we all know that our energy is affected by lots of variables - like - how we slept last night, if we’re dealing with low blood sugar because we’re running on 2 macro bars and now it’s the ‘witching hour’ - so everyone else is hungry and cranky too…
Our energy is affected by every form of stress, and let’s not forget our hormones… oh the hormones…
And guys - you have them too, so don’t roll your eyes, but that’s not what we’re here to cover today,
But suffice it to say we’re all dealing with the same variables that our kids are affected by because we’re all human…
And while we have very little control over the fluctuations in those variables (especially those pesky hormones),
Our perception is always present - like 100% of the time - and it’s dictating the relationships we have with ourselves,
Which stems from → the assumptions we unconsciously operate from,
Which influences → the way we respond to ‘mistakes’ and how we handle frustration,
Which is actually rooted in → the way we view and treat ourselves.
Which raises an important question:
What are our children experiencing and absorbing from the way we relate to ourselves?
We Project Our Relationship With Ourselves Onto Our Children
Because if I’m constantly critical of myself… I will unintentionally become critical of my children.
If I struggle to extend grace to myself… I’ll likely struggle to extend grace to them.
If I believe my worth comes from achievement… Then it’s highly likely that I’ll evaluate them through their achievements as well.
If I never feel good enough… I may unknowingly communicate that they aren’t either.
Not because I’m trying to,
But because projection is an unconscious expression we have with others,
And the projection is rooted in our distorted perception of ourselves,
Which becomes the lens through which we interpret others.
Including our children.
The Distortion Isn’t The Problem
And if you haven’t already, this is the point where people tend to freak out…
So if you’re hearing this and thinking:
“Great. Now I’m messing up my kids.”
Take a breath, and stick with me, because No…
That’s not where we’re going with this.
The point isn’t condemnation or throwing our hands up in defeat.
The point is awareness - self-awareness… and you’re in good company,
Because every parent has distorted perceptions…
And every parent has blind spots…
And every parent is imperfect,
Because we’re all people who are just doing our best and working with what we’ve got,
And don’t worry, there are proven ways to address all of all this,
And the fact that you’ve hung with me this long proves that you care about how you’re showing up for your kids,
Maybe even more so than how you show up for yourself… which is key here.
Where Distorted Perceptions Come From
Because before we can get into correcting our distorted perceptions, we need to understand where they come from in the first place.
I mean, none of us wake up one morning and decide to interpret ourselves inaccurately.
Our understanding of ourselves develops over time and is shaped by two primary factors:
The standards we use to evaluate ourselves - which is what drives our perceptions, and
The actual priorities that are already driving our decisions and behavior, which often conflict with the standards we’re evaluating ourselves by - hence the tension…
So we’ll start with the standards we use to evaluate ourselves.
Every one of us inherits standards. They come from:
Our family and upbringing,
The culture we’re living in,
Our religious beliefs and encounters with other Christians,
School of course…
Our peers in every environment,
And then some of us - like me - set our own - just to keep things extra interesting!
And the thing is - some of those standards are healthy…
I mean, I’ll submit that God’s standards are the only ‘shoulds’ we should - haha - aspire to live up to,
But the nuance here is in HOW we interpret those standards and thus HOW we live them out.
Because that’s where it gets tricky,
When you combine the fact that some of the inherited standards we have aren’t actually healthy,
With the fact that many people never consciously examine them…
The result is we simply absorb them,
And then we spend our entire lives measuring ourselves against them,
which often results in an ongoing conflict with the second factor, which is..
The real, and highly individualistic, priorities that are already driving our behavior.
THIS is the other part most people miss, because we weren’t given the tools to examine them properly.
You see - even if two people inherit the exact same standards, they won’t interpret themselves the same way.
Why?
Because no two people on the planet prioritize the same things, in the same order, to the same degree.
Everyone is driven by different priorities.
We all have different motivations, different needs, different sources of meaning,
Unique gifts, and individual callings.
And those priorities are the real indicator of what we truly value as individuals.
But there’s often a disconnect between what people THINK they prioritize and where they actually spend their time - which, spoiler alert - is the evidence of what you actually prioritize, vs what you intend to.
And that’s where friction festers in our life.
But while the thought of friction can create negative vibes, it’s actually incredibly helpful because it’s part of the evidence that helps us get to the root cause of what’s going on.
We evaluate ourselves against inherited standards that may not actually align with what God defined,
and we think we’re prioritizing one thing,
but our calendar reflects something else.
THIS is why so many people spend years feeling:
inconsistent
lazy
unmotivated
guilty
frustrated
When the real issue is a misinterpretation of ourselves,
Because we’re measuring ourselves against the wrong criteria,
And we’re stuck in a never ending cycle of self-judgement,
Which doesn’t exactly set the stage for a healthy relationship with ourselves - and it’s just unnecessary.
A Parenting Example
So now that we know we’re all human - and we all have some level of distorted perception, and now we know where it comes from - let’s look at how that plays out in our role as a parent, or caregiver of another soul.
Dig if you will a picture - of a parent who deeply values connection as his or her highest priority,
But this parent also believes that a ‘good’ parent (and I’m using my airquotes here) should always be productive, efficient, and in control of everything.
Well the top priority and those beliefs aren’t the same,
And now they’re constantly judging themselves through a standard that conflicts with what naturally matters most to them.
That tension creates enormous frustration - especially if the connection priority hasn’t been identified, so they don’t even know the root of the tension.
And now they feel like they’re failing,
Because they’re evaluating themselves through a distorted lens.
Defining Distortion
And here’s what I mean by ‘distortion.’
A distortion isn’t simply being wrong,
It’s an interpretation issue that causes us to perceive ourselves, others, or God inaccurately.
And once that interpretation is internalized (or worse - moralized), we stop seeing it as an interpretation,
And we start seeing it as reality, and sometimes even a responsibility.
That’s why distortions can feel so convincing.
And that’s why they’re often so difficult to identify on our own.
But the danger isn’t in having distortions - we all have them - remember?
The real danger is refusing to examine and acknowledge them, and defending them!
Because distortions we moralize become distortions we protect.
And distortions we protect become distortions we pass on.
And I think it’s safe to say that’s not what any of us are going for.
What Children Actually Need
What we’re trying to do is meet our children’s needs - and we want to do that well.
And what children need is clarity from the people leading them in life - the kind of clarity that’s only found through the standards God actually did set for all of us. Standards like:
Honest humility. The willingness to seek correction, and a focus on repairing what’s broken, and the growth that results from it.
Children benefit from seeing adults who are willing to learn right in front of them, and alongside them.
Parents who are willing to apologize when necessary, and who are willing to reconsider their perspective - you know - the whole slow to speak idea…
We need to be willing to admit:
“You know, I may have interpreted that incorrectly.”
THAT’s what healthy self-awareness looks like.
And it’s the opposite of perfectionism - it’s truthfulness.
I think this is why Jesus spoke so often about becoming like little children.
Not because children are innocent, and certainly not because they’re always right,
But because children are generally teachable.
They’re curious, and open, and as long as they aren’t chastised for it,
And they’re generally willing to admit what they don’t know.
Contrast that disposition with the Pharisees who spent their lives studying Scripture, waiting for the Messiah, and teaching others about God.
Yet when God Himself stood right in front of them, most of them couldn’t recognize Him.
Not because they lacked information, but because their perception had become rigid.
They had become attached to who they expected God to be.
What they expected Him to do, and how they expected Him to act.
And those expectations became so strong that they couldn’t see reality when it arrived.
The problem wasn’t God.
The problem was the lens through which they were interpreting Him.
And if we’re honest, we’re capable of doing the exact same thing.
Not just with God, but with anyone - including our children - and ourselves.
The more attached we become to our interpretations, the harder it becomes to see anything clearly.
That’s why humility matters so much.
Because humility keeps us teachable.
And teachability keeps correction possible.
So in an effort to not to approach our parenting like rigid Pharisees,
Let’s look at a few real-life scenarios that demonstrate the spectrum of reactions we tend to have to some common parenting challenges.
Scenario 1: The Broken Glass
A child drops a glass.
The event is neutral.
But the parent’s interpretation isn’t.
One parent sees: “Accidents happen.”
Another sees: “Why are they always so careless?”
Another sees: “Now I have more work to do.”
Another sees: “I can’t believe I just yelled about a glass.”
The child’s behavior isn’t the only variable.
The parent’s perception is.
Once you know this, then you can ask:
“If I had dropped the glass myself, how would I have spoken to myself?”
Because that’s often the exact tone that comes out toward the child.
Scenario 2: The Poor Grade
Some parents see: “This is information.”
Others see: “This reflects their potential.”
Others see: “This reflects me.”
🔥 That last one is where it gets interesting.
Because now we’re talking about identity - and I don’t mean theirs…
Now we’re talking about how entangled our identities are with our children’s performance against our expectations based on our association with how our worth is tied to achievement…
And suddenly a math grade isn’t about math anymore.
It’s about tying our perception of worth to test scores,
And projecting that distortion onto the child we value more than math.
Scenario 3: Emotional Meltdowns
A child has a meltdown,
And the parent becomes emotionally activated.
Why?
Because many parents aren’t responding to the child’s emotion,
They’re responding to their own discomfort with emotion.
And where did they learn that?
Often from the way they relate to themselves.
If I don’t know how to sit with my own frustration… I’ll struggle to sit with theirs.
If I suppress my emotions… I may try to suppress theirs.
If I fear conflict… I may overcorrect theirs.
Again - The child isn’t experiencing a parenting technique,
They’re experiencing a person.
A person who is unknowingly navigating the relationship they have with themselves and it’s being projected onto them.
Why This Matters Spiritually
And here’s where it gets even deeper - because this matters spiritually as well.
Jesus tells us to love others as ourselves,
And parenting is one of the clearest places that command becomes visible.
Because our children experience our definition of love before they understand theology.
But as we just explored, the relationship we have with ourselves not only dictates our relationships with others, it becomes a relational inheritance.
Whether we intend it to or not.
And that’s where it becomes really interesting.
Because many Christian parents have heard:
“Honor your father and mother.”
Thousands of times.
But often with little discussion that pairs that commandment with:
“Become like little children.”
Or:
“Test everything.”
Or:
“Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”
Or:
“Take every thought captive.”
Or:
“Correct one another.”
Or:
“Remove the plank from your own eye.”
You get the gist…
So in a naturally hierarchical parent / child relationship that commandment, when taken in isolation, risks becoming a moralized distortion of the parent’s perception of their role,
And once that happens, questioning it feels sinful.
So well-intentioned people unconsciously cling to the thought that: “‘Good’ children don’t question their parents.”
Instead of: “God can use anyone to reveal truth.”
Which creates a completely different dynamic than what I believe God intended,
Because it often results in straining relationships instead of building them up - which is what He clearly prioritizes for us.
But when our children think that correction of adults is disrespectful, and curiosity is rebellion, and disagreement is viewed as dishonorable,
Those distortions can follow someone for decades.
Not because Scripture taught them, but because the perception distorted the Scripture.
The commandment wasn’t distorted.
The interpretation was.
But when we lean into childlike faith, that carries the traits of curiosity, dependency, and teachability,
Which are the very traits many adults have lost because certainty and control felt safer than humility.
But humility is what allows correction.
And correction is what allows transformation.
How To Begin Correcting The Distortion
So if at this point you’re thinking - ok, there might be something to this…
Maybe I do project my relationship with myself onto my kids, so what do I do about it?
Don’t start by analyzing your children. You can’t control them anyway - just ask the parent of a screaming, overtired 2 yr old on an airplane…
Start with examining the only thing you can control - yourself.
Ask yourself the tough questions:
“Where am I hardest on myself?”
“Where do I struggle to extend grace?”
“What standards am I using to evaluate myself, and where did they come from?”
“What expectations am I unconsciously projecting onto others?”
And as you ask yourself those questions - if you discover that you don’t understand yourself quite as well as you thought you did,
Then check out the Core Priorities Snapshot at link below.
It’s a free tool I created to extract the lived evidence I talked about earlier, because that’s the key to seeing yourself clearly, and dismantling those distortions as you identify them.
And just remember that the goal isn’t to become a perfect parent,
The goal is to become a more self-aware human being and a humble servant,
And humble servants become parents who create nurturing environments where the child they’ve been entrusted with, can grow into the person God created them to be.
And the fastest way to get there is by examining the evidence your life is already revealing so you can start seeing yourself, and everyone else, more clearly.
And when that happens, every relationship improves.
And one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is not the appearance of certainty, but rather:
Modeling what it looks like to remain teachable.
